Just Like Heaven

Did you know that we will work in heaven?  Don't worry- it's not what you think.

First of all, we will not sit around on clouds with little cherub angels playing harps.  (Who came up with that, anyway?  Somebody was SO not paying attention when that crazy notion slipped through.)

The Bible says that on the new earth, we will rule and reign with Christ.  It says that He has given us gifts to be used for His praise and glory.  We already have some of those gifts, and we can even use and strengthen them here on earth.  We use them here because they show people who He is.  But, we will also use them in heaven.  So basically, the cool part is that, in heaven, you get to work doing stuff you really like!  And, by the way, angels are really big, strong and powerful warriors.

Since we have started homeschooling using the Charlotte Mason "philosophy" (it's so much more than that), I have been amazed at how much I have learned.  I mean, hello.  I am teaching a first grader and a four year old.  What am I learning?   

Well, for one thing I am trying my hand at gardening.  Gerri (my lovely stepmom) and Nick (my awesome brother) came out and set up 4 box gardens for us a few weeks ago, and we planted tomatoes, green beans, spinach, and potatoes.  Today we planted some strawberries, and here we are planting some bulbs in the front garden.

This would not be a big deal if I had ever in my entire life gardened.  Or  even managed to keep a potted plant alive for more than a week- which by the way I have not been able to do.  Before we began homeschooling, I had never read excellent literature, enjoyed poems, gotten to know composers and their music, had any understanding of history as a whole and why it matters that we learn about it, taken a nature walk, watched butterflies come out of their chrysalid, sewed, learned hymns, tried drawing and painting, read Shakespeare, and many other things!

It's almost like I wasn't really living.  

When I felt God nudging me last summer to go to full-time homeschool, I did not expect this.  I did not expect all the laughter and joy, the refreshing effect of surrounding ourselves with beautiful things.

I did not expect what it would begin to do in my heart.   I was pretty sure it would be great for the kids.  But, as is like Him and His ways- it has also been amazing for me.

I feel like I am waking up from a long sleep.

I've been so busy...doing, doing, doing.  Finishing the list.  Getting it done.  Making the next list.  Getting another piece of paper to continue the list.  Getting to the weekend.  Figuring out what to go and accomplish next.

Why?  Why am I really here, anyway?

Jesus says I am here to love Him and to love other people.  I ask Him every day to make my heart yearn for what His yearns for.  I am far, far away from this!  But this time at home with the girls...it's a beginning of something I did not even know was there.  Living.  Really, really living.  Enjoying and being grateful for each day.

Hearing the birds sing.

Noticing when new flowers bloom.

Crying when something is sad.

Taking a nap when I need to rest, and leaving the dishes in the sink.

Listening to my daughters' stories about their dolls and the latest game they made up to play with their stuffed animals.

Really listening to a friend share their pain.

Laughing long and hard.

Taking time to be silly.

Praying.  Sitting with Him.  Just because I can.

This time will pass.  I pray I will live fully here.  I pray that I will live fully in whatever season is next.  I pray that I, like Jesus and by His power, will live fully, and most importantly, love well.  

The Year of Joy

When the year first started, I thought it was the Year of Prayer.  “I’m going to learn to pray better, God!  More effectively!  From Your Word!”  

Blah, blah, blah.  Sometimes I wonder if, to God, I sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher.   

“No,” He gently said.  “This, Kirsten, is the year of joy.”  

I didn’t understand it when He spoke it to my heart.  Slowly He has led me and taught me- unwrapping the profound beauty of this truth.  John Piper’s book, “When I Don’t Desire God:  How to Fight for Joy” has helped me so much in understanding what God teaches us in His Word about joy.    

How essential joy is!  Why would anyone who does not know Christ want to know Him if I don’t have real, authentic joy?  Why do I expect them to want what I have if I don’t want it?  

I have to fight for joy.  Every minute of every day.  The enemy of my soul will desperately try and keep me from having it.  A friend of mine recently shared how when she first read that Christ had come to give us freedom in John 10:10, she did not realize that there is a price to pay for this freedom.  She did not realize the intense struggles she would have to go through- the pain.  But...the deeper she allowed herself to experience the pain- to truly share in Christ’s suffering- the more deeply she has been able to receive and experience His gift of JOY.  

And yet, with all this said, joy is not something I can “get” for myself.  

Joy is a gift from God, plain and simple (Galatians 5:22).  No worldly achievement or technique can “achieve” it.  A gift just like out salvation, just like each step of our sanctification that makes us more and more like Christ, just like each thought that is renewed and each wall that is taken down in our hearts and each idol that is surrendered.  Joy is a gift- a fruit of the Spirit.  All you can do is recieve it.    

  

Joy is a gift that can’t be stored or hoarded.  You experience it, or you lose it.  The only thing you can do is relish in it when it comes.  I spent much time trying to figure out how to “get it” on my timetable, and then how to “keep it”.  No dice.  

That was where my next problem came.  I don’t feel like I deserve it.  So how can accept it?  So, for a little while I tried to earn it.  I still do that- it takes time to break down decades of habits.  

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him”.  This is the way John Piper says it.  Oh, the depth and beauty of His Love and His Ways!  It makes God happy when I accept the gift of His Joy!  It brings joy to His heart!  

He wants me to accept it not because I deserve it, but because He gave it.  

And, He knows that as He pours the abundance of His joy into my heart, it will spill out on those around me.  It will allow them to see Him in a way that my words and effort never could.  

He truly is the Giver of all good things.  

Aquire a Peaceful Spirit

I am sitting here in the quiet, reading some blogs. I love the ones with piano in the background. Makes me aware that God is here.

I read a new blog for the first time today. It is so, so beautiful. Written like a work of art. Here is the link: http://evlogiaonline.com/2011/01/12/how-to-really-raise-a-child-in-the-faith/.

What attracted me was the title: How To Really Raise a Child. Because you know me...always wanting to do things better. What I found when I got there is not what I expected. It was better than I expected. If you read it, you will know what I mean.

I had just been praying about my witness to other people. What am I really doing to help others know who Jesus is? I am troubled by this. So troubled. How am I different? Do I have a joy that makes Him shine and shows Him to other people?

I don't think so. Because I think that if I did, people would ask me about it. They would want it. You can't really see Jesus and not want Him. He is irresistible.

So this morning, I ask Him. As usual, not really expecting an answer. I pray for the people I am thinking of in particular, who really don't know Him at all. How do I love them without always having this "hidden" motive to change them? Because when I have that, and I'm trying to slip "God" into the conversation, I'm being manipulative. Forced. Controlling. That's not God's way. It doesn't even seem like love to me. And blah! I don't want to do it. I just feel like I "should"...or how else will they know?

Troubled, struggling, striving..... I habitually try first to figure it out.

Then, finally- tired- I pray.

I click on this blog, and the first words I see are these: "Acquire a Peaceful Spirit and Around You Thousands Will Be Saved".

I cried when I read it. My Father speaking to me, drawing me with His cords of loving kindness.

"Kirsten, hearts are for Me to change. They are for you to love."

It's not about what I do. It's just not. That used to be so frustrating to me- but the more I learn through the experiences of life and the commands in His Word- it is blessed relief. I cannot change them. Each must choose.

My job is to do the work on my own heart with Him. It is about who I am. It is Him in me. The more I am with Him, the more my mind is renewed by His Word, the more I obey without question in the little things of life, the more clearly I hear the voice of My Shepherd.

If I'm listening, He will tell me when it is time to speak. When speaking is the most loving thing for me to do. Because many times, it is not.

Until then, I will continue to learn to love with His love. I will pray for Him to do what only He can do.

And I will seek Him for a Spirit of Peace, that Thousands Around Me May Be Saved.

Merciful Father, grant them repentance!

My Dad

My Dad loves ice cream, Dots, nonparels, Hershey bars, donuts, pizza, spaghetti and meatballs, orange juice in the morning, and vanilla cake with buttercream icing from Publix.

And he likes to share...most of the time :)

My Dad is humble and laughs at himself easily.

My Dad is a good listener...when he hasn't already figured out what your problem is before you start talking :)

By God's grace, my Dad realized Jesus was the Way, the Truth and the Life, and shares it with anyone who will listen by loving them where they are and living it out.

My Dad loves the rain- to walk in it, listen to it, and watch it.

My Dad loves to go out to eat....particularly to the Waffle House...any Waffle House.

My Dad loves peaceful, instrumental music.

My Dad likes to sit by himself in the morning and read his Bible.

My Dad is a teacher at heart, and he teaches all the time even if he's not trying to :)

My Dad is doing things for other people most of the time.

My Dad always does his best.

My Dad likes to take a 15 minute nap once each day.

My Dad loves Stargate, NCIS, 24, and going to the movies.

My Dad loves watching sports, but he refuses to let them get in the way of his time with his family.

My Dad lost two beloved children to heaven sooner than he expected, and never wavered in his belief that God is always, always good.

My Dad loves and treasures his wife.

My Dad pours into other men what he has learned in this journey of life.

My Dad loves his grandkids. He loves to have brown cows with them and get down on their level and hold them and teach them what he knows.

My Dad loves to read and always let me buy as many books as I wanted. :)

My Dad loves me, and he does it well.

My Dad always points me to the One who knows everything and loves perfectly.

Thank You, Jesus, for my Dad and all the ways He reveals to me who You are!

Our Response to God

Was re-reading Louie Giglio's book, "The Air I Breathe". Just wanted to share some awesome quotes!

"Worship is our response to God. In other words, we don't initiate worship, God does.

He reveals; we respond.

He discloses; we respond.

He unveils, we respond.

He chooses to show us how amazing He is; we say, 'God, You are amazing!'

Our whole relationship with God works the same way:

He loves. We love in return.

He calls. We answer.

He leads. We follow."

The Peace of Knowing

The Most Important Thing about You is What You Think About God.

“God is not a belief to which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimately, meet everyday, one whose strength becomes your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life of the presence of God long enough and when someone asks you, “Do you believe there is a God?” you may find yourself answering, “No, I do not believe there is a God. I know there is a God.” ~Ernest Boyer, Jr.

Truth to Hang Your Hat On

I’m sitting here with my coffee and my computer outside on the backporch, listening to all the birds. Chloe-my loyal, shamelessly loving and I have found very jealous chocolate lab-and Snowy-my Dad and Gerri's beautiful, all-white husky with blue eyes- who is the sweetest, most gentle dog ever- were both out here with me, but apparently Snowy likes it better inside even if I am not there! :)

Chloe has of course stayed faithfully by my side. It struck me how whenever I get up, she immediately gets up and follows. She doesn’t even pause to look at me and ask, “Are you moving AGAIN?”, or “Are you really going somewhere else or are you coming back? Because if you are coming back I might just stay here in my comfy spot.” She just gets up, without question, and follows me.

That is what God wants me to do. Follow without question in absolute, peaceful trust. He has promised it will get easier each time I do it- because He has proven Himself faithful over and over- and He is right. As painful as this is, it has been remarkably easier to just get up and follow. I still ask the questions. Why? Why now? Why again? Why Dad and Gerri again? Why does Nick have to go through this? Lose 4 sibings? Is that really necessary? How can I live and not be afraid that some freak accident could take my kids or Phil at any moment?

But I ask them from a different place. I'm not accusing Someone I don't trust. I'm crying out to the One who I know- with the certainty of repeated, never-failing experience- I can trust completely. I heard a song the other day that explains this perfectly: "So many questions without answers, Your promises remain".

It’s quiet because Shala took the kids yesterday morning, and I’m picking them up tonight. She is such an incredible friend! All my friends have been quietly doing things behind the scenes to ease this burden- making meals, sending Bible verses, praying, listening, sharing words of gentle wisdom, making me laugh, sending cards, leaving messages. I am so incredibly blessed. My cup runneth over.

It has been a huge, huge blessing to have some consistent quiet, to talk to God and really get “into the light” all the things that have been playing in my head and heart since Irina. There has been a lot of crying. I know there will be a lot more. But the fear is starting to lose its power as it is forced out of its dark hiding place where it has been wreaking havoc. I see now that I have allowed it a home there for a long time- way before Irina's death. Now it has been revealed for what it really is by the light of God’s love: a lie whose only power is in deceiving me that it was true. His perfect, undeserved love is casting out fear.

And I am thankful, even though I would not have chosen this path. But my Father chose it, and He loves me and He sees so much more than I could ever see.

I read something the other day that said “God’s love decimates fear”. I love that picture of some dark black, ugly thing that hovers over me, and then God’s love comes in and shines on it, and it decimates into a billion tiny, powerless particles.

The truth is now back where it belongs. The sadness remains. I don’t know if that will ever leave. But God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. On that truth I will hang my hat.

And in the meantime, I enjoy my coffee, the quiet, my dog faithfully sitting at my side, and the birds singing.