Truth to Hang Your Hat On

I’m sitting here with my coffee and my computer outside on the backporch, listening to all the birds. Chloe-my loyal, shamelessly loving and I have found very jealous chocolate lab-and Snowy-my Dad and Gerri's beautiful, all-white husky with blue eyes- who is the sweetest, most gentle dog ever- were both out here with me, but apparently Snowy likes it better inside even if I am not there! :)

Chloe has of course stayed faithfully by my side. It struck me how whenever I get up, she immediately gets up and follows. She doesn’t even pause to look at me and ask, “Are you moving AGAIN?”, or “Are you really going somewhere else or are you coming back? Because if you are coming back I might just stay here in my comfy spot.” She just gets up, without question, and follows me.

That is what God wants me to do. Follow without question in absolute, peaceful trust. He has promised it will get easier each time I do it- because He has proven Himself faithful over and over- and He is right. As painful as this is, it has been remarkably easier to just get up and follow. I still ask the questions. Why? Why now? Why again? Why Dad and Gerri again? Why does Nick have to go through this? Lose 4 sibings? Is that really necessary? How can I live and not be afraid that some freak accident could take my kids or Phil at any moment?

But I ask them from a different place. I'm not accusing Someone I don't trust. I'm crying out to the One who I know- with the certainty of repeated, never-failing experience- I can trust completely. I heard a song the other day that explains this perfectly: "So many questions without answers, Your promises remain".

It’s quiet because Shala took the kids yesterday morning, and I’m picking them up tonight. She is such an incredible friend! All my friends have been quietly doing things behind the scenes to ease this burden- making meals, sending Bible verses, praying, listening, sharing words of gentle wisdom, making me laugh, sending cards, leaving messages. I am so incredibly blessed. My cup runneth over.

It has been a huge, huge blessing to have some consistent quiet, to talk to God and really get “into the light” all the things that have been playing in my head and heart since Irina. There has been a lot of crying. I know there will be a lot more. But the fear is starting to lose its power as it is forced out of its dark hiding place where it has been wreaking havoc. I see now that I have allowed it a home there for a long time- way before Irina's death. Now it has been revealed for what it really is by the light of God’s love: a lie whose only power is in deceiving me that it was true. His perfect, undeserved love is casting out fear.

And I am thankful, even though I would not have chosen this path. But my Father chose it, and He loves me and He sees so much more than I could ever see.

I read something the other day that said “God’s love decimates fear”. I love that picture of some dark black, ugly thing that hovers over me, and then God’s love comes in and shines on it, and it decimates into a billion tiny, powerless particles.

The truth is now back where it belongs. The sadness remains. I don’t know if that will ever leave. But God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. On that truth I will hang my hat.

And in the meantime, I enjoy my coffee, the quiet, my dog faithfully sitting at my side, and the birds singing.