My Dad

My Dad loves ice cream, Dots, nonparels, Hershey bars, donuts, pizza, spaghetti and meatballs, orange juice in the morning, and vanilla cake with buttercream icing from Publix.

And he likes to share...most of the time :)

My Dad is humble and laughs at himself easily.

My Dad is a good listener...when he hasn't already figured out what your problem is before you start talking :)

By God's grace, my Dad realized Jesus was the Way, the Truth and the Life, and shares it with anyone who will listen by loving them where they are and living it out.

My Dad loves the rain- to walk in it, listen to it, and watch it.

My Dad loves to go out to eat....particularly to the Waffle House...any Waffle House.

My Dad loves peaceful, instrumental music.

My Dad likes to sit by himself in the morning and read his Bible.

My Dad is a teacher at heart, and he teaches all the time even if he's not trying to :)

My Dad is doing things for other people most of the time.

My Dad always does his best.

My Dad likes to take a 15 minute nap once each day.

My Dad loves Stargate, NCIS, 24, and going to the movies.

My Dad loves watching sports, but he refuses to let them get in the way of his time with his family.

My Dad lost two beloved children to heaven sooner than he expected, and never wavered in his belief that God is always, always good.

My Dad loves and treasures his wife.

My Dad pours into other men what he has learned in this journey of life.

My Dad loves his grandkids. He loves to have brown cows with them and get down on their level and hold them and teach them what he knows.

My Dad loves to read and always let me buy as many books as I wanted. :)

My Dad loves me, and he does it well.

My Dad always points me to the One who knows everything and loves perfectly.

Thank You, Jesus, for my Dad and all the ways He reveals to me who You are!

Our Response to God

Was re-reading Louie Giglio's book, "The Air I Breathe". Just wanted to share some awesome quotes!

"Worship is our response to God. In other words, we don't initiate worship, God does.

He reveals; we respond.

He discloses; we respond.

He unveils, we respond.

He chooses to show us how amazing He is; we say, 'God, You are amazing!'

Our whole relationship with God works the same way:

He loves. We love in return.

He calls. We answer.

He leads. We follow."

The Peace of Knowing

The Most Important Thing about You is What You Think About God.

“God is not a belief to which you give your assent. God becomes a reality whom you know intimately, meet everyday, one whose strength becomes your strength, whose love, your love. Live this life of the presence of God long enough and when someone asks you, “Do you believe there is a God?” you may find yourself answering, “No, I do not believe there is a God. I know there is a God.” ~Ernest Boyer, Jr.

Truth to Hang Your Hat On

I’m sitting here with my coffee and my computer outside on the backporch, listening to all the birds. Chloe-my loyal, shamelessly loving and I have found very jealous chocolate lab-and Snowy-my Dad and Gerri's beautiful, all-white husky with blue eyes- who is the sweetest, most gentle dog ever- were both out here with me, but apparently Snowy likes it better inside even if I am not there! :)

Chloe has of course stayed faithfully by my side. It struck me how whenever I get up, she immediately gets up and follows. She doesn’t even pause to look at me and ask, “Are you moving AGAIN?”, or “Are you really going somewhere else or are you coming back? Because if you are coming back I might just stay here in my comfy spot.” She just gets up, without question, and follows me.

That is what God wants me to do. Follow without question in absolute, peaceful trust. He has promised it will get easier each time I do it- because He has proven Himself faithful over and over- and He is right. As painful as this is, it has been remarkably easier to just get up and follow. I still ask the questions. Why? Why now? Why again? Why Dad and Gerri again? Why does Nick have to go through this? Lose 4 sibings? Is that really necessary? How can I live and not be afraid that some freak accident could take my kids or Phil at any moment?

But I ask them from a different place. I'm not accusing Someone I don't trust. I'm crying out to the One who I know- with the certainty of repeated, never-failing experience- I can trust completely. I heard a song the other day that explains this perfectly: "So many questions without answers, Your promises remain".

It’s quiet because Shala took the kids yesterday morning, and I’m picking them up tonight. She is such an incredible friend! All my friends have been quietly doing things behind the scenes to ease this burden- making meals, sending Bible verses, praying, listening, sharing words of gentle wisdom, making me laugh, sending cards, leaving messages. I am so incredibly blessed. My cup runneth over.

It has been a huge, huge blessing to have some consistent quiet, to talk to God and really get “into the light” all the things that have been playing in my head and heart since Irina. There has been a lot of crying. I know there will be a lot more. But the fear is starting to lose its power as it is forced out of its dark hiding place where it has been wreaking havoc. I see now that I have allowed it a home there for a long time- way before Irina's death. Now it has been revealed for what it really is by the light of God’s love: a lie whose only power is in deceiving me that it was true. His perfect, undeserved love is casting out fear.

And I am thankful, even though I would not have chosen this path. But my Father chose it, and He loves me and He sees so much more than I could ever see.

I read something the other day that said “God’s love decimates fear”. I love that picture of some dark black, ugly thing that hovers over me, and then God’s love comes in and shines on it, and it decimates into a billion tiny, powerless particles.

The truth is now back where it belongs. The sadness remains. I don’t know if that will ever leave. But God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. On that truth I will hang my hat.

And in the meantime, I enjoy my coffee, the quiet, my dog faithfully sitting at my side, and the birds singing.

Curly-Haired Light

I have this beautiful, blond, curly-haired light named Evie. I have the honor of being her mom :)

Yesterday we were returning from a long drive. Kylie was asleep in the back seat, and Evie was chatting with me. After a few moments of silence, she sighed and said, "Mommy, I like you."

She likes me. Can you beat that?

Quotes from "The Hidden Life"

I love to read. Anyone who is reading this already knows that! My husband graciously pays the fee to Amazon each year for my free shipping :) I like to get my own books so I can highlight and share them with other people.

I love it when other people put words to something I had been thinking or feeling, but just couldn't express. I feel connected when that happens- like I'm not alone. I think that is one of the main ways my heart really began to trust God- because I would ask a question in my head- not even pray it really- and God would answer in this intensly personal way that only He and I would know. Alot of times that happens through a book, or through my Bible.

I wanted to share some quotes from this incredible book my dear friend Jan gave to me- one of my many fellow journeyers on this narrow path. The book is called "The Hidden Life: Revelations from a Holy Journey". It's written by Kitty Crenshaw and Catherine Snapp, but it's actually about the life of Betty Skinner. It is a beautiful story about how God brought her through depression by His grace and mercy. I have been underlining like crazy. Below are a few quotes that I love because they remind me of my own "awakening":

"She began to experience a few of what she calls moments of heightened perception. It might be a beautiful sunset, a stranger's smile on her walk to town, or the sound of a child's laughter over the lake. In the past, she had failed to notice these things, but now when she was given these moments, she would stop and pay attention...all of this was strengthening her spirituality by taking her outside of herself...'I was beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. It was so simple, but it was the most tremendouns thing I had ever experienced. I wasn't feeling so guilty and inadequate anymore. I was experiencing a tiny bit of freedom from my prison of fear, and it was enough of a crack in the prison door to keep me moving toward wholeness. Slowly, I began to claim for myself more love from God, which is the key to all freedom.'" (pgs 78-79)

"Nothing on our spiritual journey is ever final; it is an ongoing process moving us deeper and deeper. It is a continuous change of movement from what is good (the place where most of us live, desiring to love and serve God) to what is best (an open and intense desire to hear God) to what is best (when all of our prayer becomes service and our service becomes prayer). Most of us stay in the good and never attain the better or the best because the inner work of change is so difficult, our fears are so great, and there are so few to love and guide us there. " (p 83)

"There is within us all this strong desire for the freedom to live and be whole, but it takes enormous courage and discipline to make the choice to trust God and do the difficult work this requires....Change and growth are synonomous. We have a choice and our choice is critical because it is either life-giving or life-draining. Failure to change keeps us trapped in old behavior patterns that obviously haven't worked so why not take a chance on trust? Old behavior patterns are hard to break, because they are deeply rooted in our childhood wounds and like a stubborn weed their thorny vines choke out our life. The more we develop new behavior patterns, though, the easier the work becomes because we slowly begin to see our life bear fruit. We feel better physically, so we begin to feel better emotionally...I deeply believed that God would help me get well, but I began to see that, to be well and whole I had to submit and accept the struggle of change. I had to truly trust Jesus as Savior." (p 92-93)

May you be blessed by these words.
Love-Kirsten

s'thing beautiful

That song reminds me of Irina- Something Beautiful by NeedtoBreathe. She died in a kayaking accident on Monday, May 17th 2010, off the coast of Portland, Maine. She was 18. So, I named this blog after her. Because with her, God made Something Beautiful. He makes beauty from ashes. He is ready and willing to do it with any of us, and He did it with her because of her willing heart.

As I ponder her life, I go between sadness and numbness. My friend explained it that way, and it's very fitting. Sadness or numbness. When I'm sad, I would rather be numb. When I'm numb, there is this part of me that just wants everything to go back to "normal".

What is normal, anyway? Not what I, in my heart of hearts- in the deepest, truest part of me that is a new creation made in the image of God-wants to be. No more "normal". What's the point of normal, anyway? The definition keeps changing and the bar moves. I can't keep up. I don't want to anymore. It's exhausting and I don't want to waste my energy there anymore. Who knows what I could do if I took that energy and put it toward what God made me to do?

I spoke at Irina's Life Celebration. It was an honor to be someone who could get up there and share what I witnessed God do in her life, all because of her willing heart, quiet determination, and the incredible depths of His mercy. Before all this happened, if I had had to get up there and talk I would have been a nervous wreck. What would everyone think of me? Would they like my outfit? Think I was too underdressed? Out of style? Talked too fast? Didn't really make sense?

But something was different this time. Something Beautiful. As I sat and tried to write what I was going to say, all I could put together was a bunch of random thoughts. Ok, well, I'll go back later and put them in order, I decided. When I can think more clearly.

Then later came. And I was more exhausted and foggy than before. So I prayed. Father, you know I love Irina. And now, she knows my heart and how I love her and loved so much the last year we go to spend as real sisters. I want to honor her life with my words, and I want to share with people what You did. But I have nothing left. It has to be You. All you. I want You to get the glory. You know better than I do that there is pride in me- in my flesh- that wants it to be about me. But that is not who I am anymore, so I acknowledge it but then turn my eyes to You. So do what You will with me. If I get up there and stumble, so be it. If You have something You want me to say, then speak through me."

I don't really know how it turned out, or if anyone was "impacted". Everyone said nice things of course, but what are they going to say? But it doesn't matter if I ever know that or not. God knows the hearts of men.

So Irina, my precious sister. I miss you so much. And in honor of you, I have finally, finally gotten up the courage to start a blog. In the interest of refusing to want "normal". To boldly seek what He created me to do. He knows I write almost every day but have been fearful to share it- fearful people would say I have no talent.

But what you showed me through your beautiful life? That it is not about whether or not I'm a talented writer. What matters is that He planted in my heart a love of writing. How He uses it is up to Him, not me. And so I write. In honor of your courageous life, I write. As an act of love for and trust in my Perfect Father who says I am beautifully and wonderfully made, I write. With a thankful heart for His grace, I write. For His purposes- in me and in anyone who reads, I write.

In honor of you, Irina Kathryn McEntee. I write.