s'thing beautiful

That song reminds me of Irina- Something Beautiful by NeedtoBreathe. She died in a kayaking accident on Monday, May 17th 2010, off the coast of Portland, Maine. She was 18. So, I named this blog after her. Because with her, God made Something Beautiful. He makes beauty from ashes. He is ready and willing to do it with any of us, and He did it with her because of her willing heart.

As I ponder her life, I go between sadness and numbness. My friend explained it that way, and it's very fitting. Sadness or numbness. When I'm sad, I would rather be numb. When I'm numb, there is this part of me that just wants everything to go back to "normal".

What is normal, anyway? Not what I, in my heart of hearts- in the deepest, truest part of me that is a new creation made in the image of God-wants to be. No more "normal". What's the point of normal, anyway? The definition keeps changing and the bar moves. I can't keep up. I don't want to anymore. It's exhausting and I don't want to waste my energy there anymore. Who knows what I could do if I took that energy and put it toward what God made me to do?

I spoke at Irina's Life Celebration. It was an honor to be someone who could get up there and share what I witnessed God do in her life, all because of her willing heart, quiet determination, and the incredible depths of His mercy. Before all this happened, if I had had to get up there and talk I would have been a nervous wreck. What would everyone think of me? Would they like my outfit? Think I was too underdressed? Out of style? Talked too fast? Didn't really make sense?

But something was different this time. Something Beautiful. As I sat and tried to write what I was going to say, all I could put together was a bunch of random thoughts. Ok, well, I'll go back later and put them in order, I decided. When I can think more clearly.

Then later came. And I was more exhausted and foggy than before. So I prayed. Father, you know I love Irina. And now, she knows my heart and how I love her and loved so much the last year we go to spend as real sisters. I want to honor her life with my words, and I want to share with people what You did. But I have nothing left. It has to be You. All you. I want You to get the glory. You know better than I do that there is pride in me- in my flesh- that wants it to be about me. But that is not who I am anymore, so I acknowledge it but then turn my eyes to You. So do what You will with me. If I get up there and stumble, so be it. If You have something You want me to say, then speak through me."

I don't really know how it turned out, or if anyone was "impacted". Everyone said nice things of course, but what are they going to say? But it doesn't matter if I ever know that or not. God knows the hearts of men.

So Irina, my precious sister. I miss you so much. And in honor of you, I have finally, finally gotten up the courage to start a blog. In the interest of refusing to want "normal". To boldly seek what He created me to do. He knows I write almost every day but have been fearful to share it- fearful people would say I have no talent.

But what you showed me through your beautiful life? That it is not about whether or not I'm a talented writer. What matters is that He planted in my heart a love of writing. How He uses it is up to Him, not me. And so I write. In honor of your courageous life, I write. As an act of love for and trust in my Perfect Father who says I am beautifully and wonderfully made, I write. With a thankful heart for His grace, I write. For His purposes- in me and in anyone who reads, I write.

In honor of you, Irina Kathryn McEntee. I write.