Curly-Haired Light

I have this beautiful, blond, curly-haired light named Evie. I have the honor of being her mom :)

Yesterday we were returning from a long drive. Kylie was asleep in the back seat, and Evie was chatting with me. After a few moments of silence, she sighed and said, "Mommy, I like you."

She likes me. Can you beat that?

Quotes from "The Hidden Life"

I love to read. Anyone who is reading this already knows that! My husband graciously pays the fee to Amazon each year for my free shipping :) I like to get my own books so I can highlight and share them with other people.

I love it when other people put words to something I had been thinking or feeling, but just couldn't express. I feel connected when that happens- like I'm not alone. I think that is one of the main ways my heart really began to trust God- because I would ask a question in my head- not even pray it really- and God would answer in this intensly personal way that only He and I would know. Alot of times that happens through a book, or through my Bible.

I wanted to share some quotes from this incredible book my dear friend Jan gave to me- one of my many fellow journeyers on this narrow path. The book is called "The Hidden Life: Revelations from a Holy Journey". It's written by Kitty Crenshaw and Catherine Snapp, but it's actually about the life of Betty Skinner. It is a beautiful story about how God brought her through depression by His grace and mercy. I have been underlining like crazy. Below are a few quotes that I love because they remind me of my own "awakening":

"She began to experience a few of what she calls moments of heightened perception. It might be a beautiful sunset, a stranger's smile on her walk to town, or the sound of a child's laughter over the lake. In the past, she had failed to notice these things, but now when she was given these moments, she would stop and pay attention...all of this was strengthening her spirituality by taking her outside of herself...'I was beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. It was so simple, but it was the most tremendouns thing I had ever experienced. I wasn't feeling so guilty and inadequate anymore. I was experiencing a tiny bit of freedom from my prison of fear, and it was enough of a crack in the prison door to keep me moving toward wholeness. Slowly, I began to claim for myself more love from God, which is the key to all freedom.'" (pgs 78-79)

"Nothing on our spiritual journey is ever final; it is an ongoing process moving us deeper and deeper. It is a continuous change of movement from what is good (the place where most of us live, desiring to love and serve God) to what is best (an open and intense desire to hear God) to what is best (when all of our prayer becomes service and our service becomes prayer). Most of us stay in the good and never attain the better or the best because the inner work of change is so difficult, our fears are so great, and there are so few to love and guide us there. " (p 83)

"There is within us all this strong desire for the freedom to live and be whole, but it takes enormous courage and discipline to make the choice to trust God and do the difficult work this requires....Change and growth are synonomous. We have a choice and our choice is critical because it is either life-giving or life-draining. Failure to change keeps us trapped in old behavior patterns that obviously haven't worked so why not take a chance on trust? Old behavior patterns are hard to break, because they are deeply rooted in our childhood wounds and like a stubborn weed their thorny vines choke out our life. The more we develop new behavior patterns, though, the easier the work becomes because we slowly begin to see our life bear fruit. We feel better physically, so we begin to feel better emotionally...I deeply believed that God would help me get well, but I began to see that, to be well and whole I had to submit and accept the struggle of change. I had to truly trust Jesus as Savior." (p 92-93)

May you be blessed by these words.
Love-Kirsten

s'thing beautiful

That song reminds me of Irina- Something Beautiful by NeedtoBreathe. She died in a kayaking accident on Monday, May 17th 2010, off the coast of Portland, Maine. She was 18. So, I named this blog after her. Because with her, God made Something Beautiful. He makes beauty from ashes. He is ready and willing to do it with any of us, and He did it with her because of her willing heart.

As I ponder her life, I go between sadness and numbness. My friend explained it that way, and it's very fitting. Sadness or numbness. When I'm sad, I would rather be numb. When I'm numb, there is this part of me that just wants everything to go back to "normal".

What is normal, anyway? Not what I, in my heart of hearts- in the deepest, truest part of me that is a new creation made in the image of God-wants to be. No more "normal". What's the point of normal, anyway? The definition keeps changing and the bar moves. I can't keep up. I don't want to anymore. It's exhausting and I don't want to waste my energy there anymore. Who knows what I could do if I took that energy and put it toward what God made me to do?

I spoke at Irina's Life Celebration. It was an honor to be someone who could get up there and share what I witnessed God do in her life, all because of her willing heart, quiet determination, and the incredible depths of His mercy. Before all this happened, if I had had to get up there and talk I would have been a nervous wreck. What would everyone think of me? Would they like my outfit? Think I was too underdressed? Out of style? Talked too fast? Didn't really make sense?

But something was different this time. Something Beautiful. As I sat and tried to write what I was going to say, all I could put together was a bunch of random thoughts. Ok, well, I'll go back later and put them in order, I decided. When I can think more clearly.

Then later came. And I was more exhausted and foggy than before. So I prayed. Father, you know I love Irina. And now, she knows my heart and how I love her and loved so much the last year we go to spend as real sisters. I want to honor her life with my words, and I want to share with people what You did. But I have nothing left. It has to be You. All you. I want You to get the glory. You know better than I do that there is pride in me- in my flesh- that wants it to be about me. But that is not who I am anymore, so I acknowledge it but then turn my eyes to You. So do what You will with me. If I get up there and stumble, so be it. If You have something You want me to say, then speak through me."

I don't really know how it turned out, or if anyone was "impacted". Everyone said nice things of course, but what are they going to say? But it doesn't matter if I ever know that or not. God knows the hearts of men.

So Irina, my precious sister. I miss you so much. And in honor of you, I have finally, finally gotten up the courage to start a blog. In the interest of refusing to want "normal". To boldly seek what He created me to do. He knows I write almost every day but have been fearful to share it- fearful people would say I have no talent.

But what you showed me through your beautiful life? That it is not about whether or not I'm a talented writer. What matters is that He planted in my heart a love of writing. How He uses it is up to Him, not me. And so I write. In honor of your courageous life, I write. As an act of love for and trust in my Perfect Father who says I am beautifully and wonderfully made, I write. With a thankful heart for His grace, I write. For His purposes- in me and in anyone who reads, I write.

In honor of you, Irina Kathryn McEntee. I write.